my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
