Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
