yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
