i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
