Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
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You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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