he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
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Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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