Small penises have feelings too.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
