If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
