i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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