I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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