You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
