He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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