my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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