Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
