I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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