I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
