Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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