Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
