That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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