It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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