I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
