The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
