i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
