so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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