Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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