How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
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I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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