i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
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I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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