I need to stop coming to work sober
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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