The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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