Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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