I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
