I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
