im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
