i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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