I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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