I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
