when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she woke up with a sticky ear
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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