Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
