So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
