I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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