i think my mom watched the whole time
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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