remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.