he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
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he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..