I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back