dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.