dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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