There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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