You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Randomize
