Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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