dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You are the jesus of drinking
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
