Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
