Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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