i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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