Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
