my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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