His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
