the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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