Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
