Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize